Uh oh… looks like SOMEBODY’S just been informed about the ever-alluring GAS factor!
With my days of growing a human numbered (eek, she could be here as early as NEXT WEEK!), I decided it was a splendid occasion to pay tribute to my time as a pregnant woman, and namely, the things absolutely nobody tells you about. (Because sure, everybody’s familiar with the inevitable weight gain, but what about the bits and pieces that you’re NOT advised on? Let’s examine them!)
1. You May Not Exude Any Symptoms
Ooh, that’s fun, isn’t it?! There we are, raised to believe that we know ALL the signs to watch out for (the morning sickness, a tender chest), and then BAM! Some fool (*cough* me *cough*) struts along and tells you that you may not display any of those symptoms at all!
True Story: I was three months pregnant when I learned that I was with-child. Isn’t that mad?! Three months! I hadn’t thrown up once, NOTHING was sore and because periods weren’t a regular occurrence for me anyway, I was none the wiser. UNTIL…
2. Never Mind The Weird-As Cravings, Because You’ll Develop Some S-e-r-i-o-u-s Aversions, Too!
When I announced my newfound repulsion to alcohol in December to a colleague, she glanced at me sideways and whispered “are you sure you’re not… pregnant? Because that’s how I found out! You start reacting really strongly to foods/drinks you normally love. I drank coffee every day, and then all of a sudden, I couldn’t stand the smell or sight of it. Turns out I was knocked up!”
Yes, you may find yourself hankering for hotdogs smothered in candy floss and all manners of CRAZY concoctions, but you can also start loathing your favourites, too!
3. Your Dreams Will Range From Giving Birth To A Flying Saucer To Fighting Sequinned Suit-Wearing Monkeys To Dancing With Bananas While Listening To Rihanna
And you thought the last episode of Breaking Bad was nutty. Trust me when I say that this will be nothing compared to the oddness of what your mind will conjure up while you’re sleeping!
4. Socialising Won’t Be As Jolly As It Used To Be
Perhaps it’s due to the changes in your hormones, perhaps it’s because, let’s face it, watching everybody else get spectacularly drunk while you’re stone-cold-sober is about as entertaining as watching paint dry (not to mention the fact that you’re constantly. EXHAUSTED), but even the most social of butterflies will find themselves morphing into hermits or acquiring a case of Grumpy Cow-Itis while there’s a bun in their oven!
5. Everyone Has An Opinion
And you know this already, but woo is it amplified when you’re carrying a baby! You’re scoffing too much bread! You’re not eating enough bread! You’re choosing to use cloth nappies? HOW MORONIC CAN YOU BE?! You’re choosing not to use cloth nappies? HOW MORONIC CAN YOU BE?! That’s the name you’ve picked?
Every time someone decides to stop you and tell you how you should be parenting (which will be every single time you step out in public), THAT Mean Girls Scene will appear in your mind, but try to smile. Deep down, most people do mean well!
6. There’ll Be Some Fun-ky Changes To Your Body
Will you glow? Definitely! Lose your teeth postpartum? Possibly! Possess shiny, strong hair and nails? More than likely! Spot veins in ridiculous locations? (What is UP with those strange, purplish ones that sprout on your feet?!) Maybe!
7. You’ll Realise That Your Parents Knew What They Were Talking About
Remember when you heard the line “I was your age once” and you’d roll your eyes and mutter “no you weren’t” (who can imagine their parents as teenagers?!) and “yeah, but you don’t understand, this is DIFFERENT!” The penny drops and you grasp the reality that soon, this exact conversation is going to transpire between you and your offspring!
8. Friendships… Adjust
Sitting with my BFF of 14 years, he almost looked… hurt when I rejected his offer of a bourbon. He just didn’t understand. Where was his party girl?! What do you MEAN she was no longer this up-for-anything, stay-out-all-hours hooligan?! Another one of my closest pals simply stopped speaking to me. “I don’t know what to say,” she texted when I shared the news. I didn’t think too much of it until my sister admitted that she’d tried to contact this person when she was putting together a collage of “congratulations!” messages for my baby shower, only to be repeatedly ignored. Did she think I was making a tremendous mistake? Was it wacky because, growing up, she’d always been the one excitedly talking about starting a family, while I sat there shuddering, adamant that kids weren’t for me? Who knows? Be aware that there may be some adjustments between you and your buddies, but where there’s negatives, there’s positives, too: motherhood will introduce you to some fabulous new folk!
9. “Baby Brain” Exists
What were we discussing again? Oh, right!
10. You Don’t Have To Love It
You could… and HOORAY! That’s marvellous! But you don’t have to. “I loved being pregnant”, numerous women gushed to me in the early days, leaving me perplexed. What was to enjoy?! The maniacal mood swings? The warped body image? (It doesn’t matter how confident you are, when you’re stacking on sixteen kilos, gassy and perpetually uncomfortable, you’re bound to encounter moments of anxiety!) I just couldn’t wave my hypothetical pom-poms, but I wasn’t obligated to. It’s your pregnancy, and more importantly, your life. Be however you want to be! (I’m a big believer that if you’re experiencing something, someone else is/has/will, so never feel guilty/embarrassed for it!)
Phew, what a list! Is there anything you’d add? Have you been pregnant? Do you think you will – one day! – be pregnant? What did nobody tell you about pregnancy?